New Year, New Me bullshit 🙄

I learned a lot this year. I have had some set backs and the future is still unknown. But what I’ve learned this year is something I will hold onto.

I didn’t give up on my relationship. You hear all the time: people give up so easily, they don’t know the meaning of vows or trying or real work. I wanted so badly to fight, to death do us part. It meant something to me. Even if I wasn’t married, loving someone unconditionally means something to me. But then I realized I married thinking it would fix it all. It would make him realize I wanted this. I’m a fool.

I realized:

I DID FIGHT.

But I was fighting alone.

I did love and I loved fucking hard.

I wasn’t perfect, but I owned up to my imperfections. I apologized more than I should have.

I took the fault for things that weren’t my fault.

I’m never to egotistical to say I am sorry, to say, I want you and only you.

I was vocal.

I gave and gave, until there was nothing left to give.

Relationships and marriage takes work. I tried to convince myself that I needed to work harder, I needed to fight harder. They say, if there’s love, then all things are possible and you can get through it. But that’s not true if it’s all one sided. You can’t express what you need if the other person doesn’t care. You can’t make something work when there’s not accountability. When the other person admits, he gaslights and manipulates and he still does not understand how mentally and emotionally traumatizing it is for their partner, HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU! HE DOESN’T RESPECT YOU!

Do you know how hurtful it is to fight with someone you wanted to spend your life with and they couldn’t love you during the bad parts but want to reap in the benefits when it was all good.

When they admitted they purposely didn’t help with the kids and housework if we were fighting because they wanted to get back at me. Yet, I showed up, stepped up and did it all. Not that he really helped even when things were good. We weren’t equals in anyway.

I had no one to help pick up the slack on days I couldn’t manage because of whatever reason. I was single parenting even with a “partner” present. It’s lonely, it’s heart breaking, it’s unfair, it’s sad, it caused me to go into a deep mental hole. I was irritable, angry, resentful, depressed, full of anxiety, confused, unsure. I wanted more. I needed change.

I was only loved when it was convenient. I was loved when I wanted to leave the relationship. That’s when I first heard him say he was sorry. He can be better. You are only sorry because it’s now convenient for you to say sorry. I didn’t and don’t deserve that. It kills me that I could give myself to someone for 6 years, giving 100% through all the hard times, working myself to the literal bone; mentally, emotionally and physically to better our lives while he didn’t help.

When after we married he told me, I NEEDED him. Let me say this: I did the work for where I am at without the assistance of him. I may not have all the confidence, or think highly of myself after never feeling worthy of love but I will never need someone to take care of me or my children. You didn’t help when we weren’t married and didn’t help after.

It has taken me stepping back to realize I didn’t deserve that. That I was fighting alone and I left when I didn’t have any fight left in me. When I was literally the shell of a person getting through each day because, hey I’m still in the relationship, isn’t that what I’m supposed to do? Stay? Relationships are work and it’s worth the fight if both parties are showing up to fight the issues not fight each other, being open minded, actively listening and respecting one another!!

I’m done believing I don’t try hard enough or that I’m unworthy of something more than I want. I’m done believing that I’m too much when I would give anything and everything to the people I care about and don’t ask for anything in return. I’m done feeling less than because you refuse to see any value in me. I’m done being threatened and scared into staying with someone, THAT ISN’T LOVE!!!

My new year resolution, is a new me. It’s time I start to see the value in myself and what I bring to the table because I bring the whole fucking table 😂 so if you are not helping add to it. Get out ✌🏽